Sunday, January 2, 2011

Welcome to the official announcement...

Well folks.  It never takes very long with us.  Honestly, I marvel at my own fertility.  Yes, I am pregnant.  Again.  Already. We have been blessed with the ability to conceive a child within hours... it seems... of making the decision to try.  This is my fourth time being pregnant (did you know I miscarried my first?) and it was instantaneous each time.  I've known about this one since week 3, and it's been so hard to let it become real to me.  Last week I saw the heartbeat for the first time, and that helped make it real.  I am so thankful for that little heart that's beating.  oh God, please dont let this baby die.       

I'm closing in on week 9?  week 10?  I'm really not keeping track this time.  I've been too miserably nauseaus and sick to pay attention.  Seriously... it's been BAD this time.  I've never felt so gross with a pregnancy before.  It's not fair, really.  Not fair at all. 

My heart still aches for my son, and now I have a new one to grow.  So many emotions... I'm not even going to try to explain.    

I'm due in August, on our 10 year anniversary.  I get to be pregnant through the summer, again.  Yay.  Yes, we will find out what this one is.  I'm not one that can wait to find out, especially not this time.  Whether it's a girl or boy, I'm going to have emotional issues that I'll need to be prepared for. 

Once upon a time, Jordan and I strongly believed we were meant to raise girls.  But then we had Hudson.  And, Hudson wasnt meant to stay.  My instinct tells me this is another girl.  Because perhaps we were right after all.  Maybe we are meant to raise girls, just as we thought.  I dont know.  Time will tell, I've got a couple months before we'll know. 

Anyway, for those who dont know, here it is.  We're officially having another baby.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Central Coast

I know, I havent posted in oh... so long.  I really have nothing to say, nothing that needs to be said... right now.  Maybe soon. 

The central coast of CA is one of my favorite places ever.  In the natural world, there's not much I love more than a good rocky beach and a redwood forest.  We had amazing weather and good company. 


Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Hudson's Onesies

Hudson inspired me to create.  And for him, I made these onesies.    
 All but the last three are hand dyed.  I try to use found fabric scraps and old t-shirts to create the appliques. 

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

21 days

I feel like I should blog today.  I feel like I should let people know we are ok. 

Tomorrow night, Wednesday, at 11:30pm, our boy will have been gone from us for one month. 

Really?  Has it really been a month already?  He's been dead longer than he was alive.  Oh... that's not fair. 

I still cant believe that it happened.  I'm still reeling.  I still feel like a major part of my body is missing.  I still cry for him every day.  And I probably will for a long time, and I know that's ok. 

Hudson was alive for 21 days.  Those were the best 21 days of my life.  I had an instant bond with that boy, one that I regretfully didnt experience with my daughter.  'They' say there is something special about the bond between a mother and a son.  My bond with Hudson was powerful and intense.  He slept on my chest every single night, skin to skin.  I knew his rhythm and he knew mine.  He was part of my body.  It was pure joy. 

Some people who know me know that I have struggled my whole life.  Depression, social anxiety, ADD, addiction, lack of self esteem and self confidence, constant and unfounded feelings of guilt and inadequacy...

I had never felt pure joy before, and Hudson brought this to me... to  us... and our lives.  And it was incredible.  My boy was amazing.  He was a perfect new addition to our family, he was exactly what I needed... what we needed.  I cant believe that in one terrible night, all that is gone.  I was so excited at how our family dynamic was changed with him in it.  I loved seeing my husband fall in love with his son.  It meant the world to me to see how Neva responded to her baby brother.  She would randomly run over to him and kiss his little head.  She would hold his hand during car rides.  And I cant even begin to talk about how incredible the nursing experience was.  Neva just couldnt figure out breastfeeding, and so I pumped milk for her for 11 months.  I didnt get to have the amazing experience of feeding her from my breast.  I was so proud of Hudson's immediate ability to breastfeed and it was something so intimate that I was able to share with him.

I am so thankful for the time I had with Hudson.  I would give anything to have him back with us.  We had so many plans and he was a part of them all.  Everything right now is gauged by his life.  I have kiwis on the kitchen counter that I bought 2 days before he died.  I'll look at something... something simple like a shirt... and I'll think 'I bought this before Hudson was even a glimmer in our eyes'.  Or this book, I bought this book when I was 7 months pregnant with him.  Or, this photo of us was taken right after I got pregnant with Hudson.  Look how happy we were.  We had no idea what was coming.  We had no idea how head over heels we were going to fall in love with this baby, whose gender and name we didnt even know yet, only to lose him 3 weeks after birth.

We still dont know why he died.  California has such a backlog of these kinds of tests, it could take a while still, I guess.  We were told that rape kits take about 8 months to be processed, as horrible as that is.  2-3 weeks was what we were told, but it's been a month and we've still not heard anything.  If any additional tests need to be run it could be months more.  I have a feeling we may never know why.  SIDS, or SUDS (sudden unexplained infant death syndrome) may be what we have to accept.  In my last post I had said that blood came out of his mouth and nose and I should better explain that it was blood tinged 'purge' - which is a normal release of fluid as a body dies.  It doesnt necessarily indicate anything weird.  If it was pure blood, that would be different, that would not be normal.

The images I have in my head from that night will never leave me.  Things a parent should never have to see.  I hope that with time the harshness will dissipate.  It still seems like it could be just a nightmare.  Waking up to your husband telling you your baby boy isnt breathing, seeing his sweet, pale face, surrounded by a pool of bloody fluid.  Trying to give him CPR as best as I could remember how.  Knowing he was gone.  Arriving at the hospital with the ambulance to the most arrogant jackass of a policeman questioning me over and over again trying to catch me in a lie... them not letting me be with my baby boy as they tried to save him.  Feeling his fuzzy head as it began to cool.  Spending 4 hours at the police station afterwards, in the middle of the night, with Neva there with us, as they questioned us separately and undoubtedly had detectives searching our house for signs of foul play.

It must be self preservation that makes the mind go into shock during something like this because it was more than anyone would be able to handle otherwise.  I think back and I cant believe we went through that and are still sane.

People have asked us if we plan on having another baby right away, and the answer is totally yes.  I had my 6 week checkup last week and my blood pressure is still elevated from pregnancy, so I'm drinking as much green tea as I can, and beginning light excersize.  We'll see.  I've certainly never had any problems getting pregnant.  However, we'll need to time conception so that our next baby wont be born in September.  September is Hudson's month.  The month he was born in and died in, and it can never belong to another baby.

I cant believe I have to go through 9 (10) more months of pregnancy after just having gone through it.  My body does not enjoy being pregnant.  And after birth, how will I ever have peace of mind.  How will I ever sleep... I'm going to be so paranoid.

So, for the 3 weeks Hudson was alive, I was sewing onesies for him.  They are adorable and I am so sad he hardly got to wear any of them.  I plan on starting a line of infant boy clothes based on the designs I created while he was alive.  I'll be posting photos soon, so please be on the look-out.  Because what else, other than my art (and my family and friends of course), can I really take solace in right now.  I internalize, and in turn, out comes art.  

One last thing:  I am so very proud to be a part of a community of women that are so ready and willing to love and help one of their own.  I have felt incredible love and support from my MOPS group, and I am so thankful for each and every one of you.  THANK YOU.  And to our families, who dropped everything to fly out here to be with us... THANK YOU.

It makes me so sad that so few people got to meet our sweet Hudson, but the impact he's had on so many has been awesome to see.  Let him and his story change you.  Through the bitter sadness of his death, amazing things must come.  I trust in that. 

Saturday, October 2, 2010

i cant believe i am typing these words.  my son died.  my sweet baby boy, i cant believe he's gone just like that.  he had only been with us three weeks but he's been an extension of my body for so long now.  i feel like a part of me is just... gone.  and it hurts so bad.  my whole body aches for my son. 

we'll be having a memorial service at grace brethren in long beach probably friday. 

i guess i should explain a little of what happened, so people dont have to wonder if you dont know.  it was wednesday night.  hudson was sleeping next to me on the bed.  jordan was working on the computer, i was dozing before hudson's last feeding before bed.  jordan looked over at us and saw blood, on the bed, next to hudson's face.  it was coming out of his mouth, and his nose.  and then he was gone.  just like that.  so quickly, from our lives.  there was nothing anyone could do.  the paramedics were here within minutes.  i think technically he died at the hospital but i know he died here at home, sleeping next to his momma.

oh, we love that boy.  we wont ever stop loving him.  he just fit so perfectly into our family.  i was so sure he was here to stay.  we had so many plans that included him.  so excited for him to be here. 

his car seat sits by the door with a blanket still in it.  my sewing machine is on the table still threaded for the onsies i was making for him.  the pack and play is set up next to the bed, full of his stuff - a blanket, a paci, a diaper ready for changing.  there are still dirty cloth diapers sitting in the washing machine, i dont know if i can ever wash them now.  the shirt he was wearing when he died is still in my purse. 

i guess this is all i need to say.  i just need to get this out there, for those who dont know yet.
we are completely broken right now as we grieve for our son. 

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Welcome, Hudson Robert...

I couldn't be more in love with this boy.  I cant believe he's here! 
He is so perfect, and sweet, and wonderfully made.  I am constantly amazed at how blessed we are! 

9/08/10 4:05pm
6 lbs, 7 oz; 18.5 in.

such a proud big sister!

This was our birthday party for Hudson on our first night home.  This photo was taken while we were all singing Happy Birthday to him :)   mmm... cake!

We attempted a photo shoot today, but didnt get too many shots, this boy just wants to nurse every second of the day... what a boob man! 

Ive been meaning to post for days now, and feel like it's quite an accomplishment to have finally done it!  There's so much more I'd like to talk about; the labor and delivery experience, what life has been like the past few days, the generosity of our friends...

but alas, I'd rather take a nap with this sweet boy!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010


I am 38 weeks pregnant today.  On this day of my pregnancy, with Neva, I was induced due to ridiculously high blood pressure.  I've been very thankful this time around, that it hasnt been a concern.  With Neva it started to elevate around 30 weeks and I was in and out of my OB's office twice a week for monitoring (not to mention all the pre-term contractions I dealt with that had me in and out of labor and delivery).  Dare I say, at one point my BP was in excess of 160/110.  Normally, I have a low BP.  High blood pressure is never something I deal with outside of pregnancy.  This pregnancy, it's been 110/70 the entire time.  I thought I was good!  Imagine my surprise when I go in for my 38 week appt today and the nurse informs me that my blood pressure has spiked up to 140/97.  They re-took it several times.  That's moderately high, *especially* for a preggo, but what worries them more is the spike.  It makes them think toxemia, which would be a terrible thing to happen right now.  That's like, emergency c-section time. 

My doctor, who I LOVE and trust very much to make the right call, says he would prefer to deliver this baby soon.  I ask "how soon?", and he says, well, how about tomorrow?  yikes!  Am I ready to have this baby tomorrow?  I mean, I AM, I've BEEN ready, forever, it seems like.  But... this is different!  I was really wanting to go into labor naturally this time, to experience what that's like... but alas, I do not think it is meant to be.  I'm full term now, it would be silly to wait for my BP to go any higher, for toxemia to develop, to take that risk.  I asked him to see if they could take me sometime later in the week so we'd at least have a few days, but the only opening they had for an induction in the next 4 days is... tomorrow.  So, tomorrow we have a baby! 

I'm excited.  Much more excited than when we were getting ready to bring Neva into our lives.  I had NO experience with babies, I had no idea what to expect.  I was scared!  I was wholly unprepared.  This time is different.  I've done this before!  I am much more confident in myself and my ability as a mother to do things differently, and more easily, than what we experienced the first time.  And so I've allowed myself to become REALLY excited about this birth, and that makes everything different, and ok. 

I cant wait to meet this boy!!