21 days

I feel like I should blog today.  I feel like I should let people know we are ok. 

Tomorrow night, Wednesday, at 11:30pm, our boy will have been gone from us for one month. 

Really?  Has it really been a month already?  He's been dead longer than he was alive.  Oh... that's not fair. 

I still cant believe that it happened.  I'm still reeling.  I still feel like a major part of my body is missing.  I still cry for him every day.  And I probably will for a long time, and I know that's ok. 

Hudson was alive for 21 days.  Those were the best 21 days of my life.  I had an instant bond with that boy, one that I regretfully didnt experience with my daughter.  'They' say there is something special about the bond between a mother and a son.  My bond with Hudson was powerful and intense.  He slept on my chest every single night, skin to skin.  I knew his rhythm and he knew mine.  He was part of my body.  It was pure joy. 

Some people who know me know that I have struggled my whole life.  Depression, social anxiety, ADD, addiction, lack of self esteem and self confidence, constant and unfounded feelings of guilt and inadequacy...

I had never felt pure joy before, and Hudson brought this to me... to  us... and our lives.  And it was incredible.  My boy was amazing.  He was a perfect new addition to our family, he was exactly what I needed... what we needed.  I cant believe that in one terrible night, all that is gone.  I was so excited at how our family dynamic was changed with him in it.  I loved seeing my husband fall in love with his son.  It meant the world to me to see how Neva responded to her baby brother.  She would randomly run over to him and kiss his little head.  She would hold his hand during car rides.  And I cant even begin to talk about how incredible the nursing experience was.  Neva just couldnt figure out breastfeeding, and so I pumped milk for her for 11 months.  I didnt get to have the amazing experience of feeding her from my breast.  I was so proud of Hudson's immediate ability to breastfeed and it was something so intimate that I was able to share with him.

I am so thankful for the time I had with Hudson.  I would give anything to have him back with us.  We had so many plans and he was a part of them all.  Everything right now is gauged by his life.  I have kiwis on the kitchen counter that I bought 2 days before he died.  I'll look at something... something simple like a shirt... and I'll think 'I bought this before Hudson was even a glimmer in our eyes'.  Or this book, I bought this book when I was 7 months pregnant with him.  Or, this photo of us was taken right after I got pregnant with Hudson.  Look how happy we were.  We had no idea what was coming.  We had no idea how head over heels we were going to fall in love with this baby, whose gender and name we didnt even know yet, only to lose him 3 weeks after birth.

We still dont know why he died.  California has such a backlog of these kinds of tests, it could take a while still, I guess.  We were told that rape kits take about 8 months to be processed, as horrible as that is.  2-3 weeks was what we were told, but it's been a month and we've still not heard anything.  If any additional tests need to be run it could be months more.  I have a feeling we may never know why.  SIDS, or SUDS (sudden unexplained infant death syndrome) may be what we have to accept.  In my last post I had said that blood came out of his mouth and nose and I should better explain that it was blood tinged 'purge' - which is a normal release of fluid as a body dies.  It doesnt necessarily indicate anything weird.  If it was pure blood, that would be different, that would not be normal.

The images I have in my head from that night will never leave me.  Things a parent should never have to see.  I hope that with time the harshness will dissipate.  It still seems like it could be just a nightmare.  Waking up to your husband telling you your baby boy isnt breathing, seeing his sweet, pale face, surrounded by a pool of bloody fluid.  Trying to give him CPR as best as I could remember how.  Knowing he was gone.  Arriving at the hospital with the ambulance to the most arrogant jackass of a policeman questioning me over and over again trying to catch me in a lie... them not letting me be with my baby boy as they tried to save him.  Feeling his fuzzy head as it began to cool.  Spending 4 hours at the police station afterwards, in the middle of the night, with Neva there with us, as they questioned us separately and undoubtedly had detectives searching our house for signs of foul play.

It must be self preservation that makes the mind go into shock during something like this because it was more than anyone would be able to handle otherwise.  I think back and I cant believe we went through that and are still sane.
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People have asked us if we plan on having another baby right away, and the answer is totally yes.  I had my 6 week checkup last week and my blood pressure is still elevated from pregnancy, so I'm drinking as much green tea as I can, and beginning light excersize.  We'll see.  I've certainly never had any problems getting pregnant.  However, we'll need to time conception so that our next baby wont be born in September.  September is Hudson's month.  The month he was born in and died in, and it can never belong to another baby.

I cant believe I have to go through 9 (10) more months of pregnancy after just having gone through it.  My body does not enjoy being pregnant.  And after birth, how will I ever have peace of mind.  How will I ever sleep... I'm going to be so paranoid.
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So, for the 3 weeks Hudson was alive, I was sewing onesies for him.  They are adorable and I am so sad he hardly got to wear any of them.  I plan on starting a line of infant boy clothes based on the designs I created while he was alive.  I'll be posting photos soon, so please be on the look-out.  Because what else, other than my art (and my family and friends of course), can I really take solace in right now.  I internalize, and in turn, out comes art.  

One last thing:  I am so very proud to be a part of a community of women that are so ready and willing to love and help one of their own.  I have felt incredible love and support from my MOPS group, and I am so thankful for each and every one of you.  THANK YOU.  And to our families, who dropped everything to fly out here to be with us... THANK YOU.

It makes me so sad that so few people got to meet our sweet Hudson, but the impact he's had on so many has been awesome to see.  Let him and his story change you.  Through the bitter sadness of his death, amazing things must come.  I trust in that.