i cant believe i am typing these words.  my son died.  my sweet baby boy, i cant believe he's gone just like that.  he had only been with us three weeks but he's been an extension of my body for so long now.  i feel like a part of me is just... gone.  and it hurts so bad.  my whole body aches for my son. 

we'll be having a memorial service at grace brethren in long beach probably friday. 

i guess i should explain a little of what happened, so people dont have to wonder if you dont know.  it was wednesday night.  hudson was sleeping next to me on the bed.  jordan was working on the computer, i was dozing before hudson's last feeding before bed.  jordan looked over at us and saw blood, on the bed, next to hudson's face.  it was coming out of his mouth, and his nose.  and then he was gone.  just like that.  so quickly, from our lives.  there was nothing anyone could do.  the paramedics were here within minutes.  i think technically he died at the hospital but i know he died here at home, sleeping next to his momma.

oh, we love that boy.  we wont ever stop loving him.  he just fit so perfectly into our family.  i was so sure he was here to stay.  we had so many plans that included him.  so excited for him to be here. 

his car seat sits by the door with a blanket still in it.  my sewing machine is on the table still threaded for the onsies i was making for him.  the pack and play is set up next to the bed, full of his stuff - a blanket, a paci, a diaper ready for changing.  there are still dirty cloth diapers sitting in the washing machine, i dont know if i can ever wash them now.  the shirt he was wearing when he died is still in my purse. 

i guess this is all i need to say.  i just need to get this out there, for those who dont know yet.
we are completely broken right now as we grieve for our son.